When the fear of failure gets in your head

Last weekend, during a game of pickleball with friends, I suddenly forgot how to serve. One serve landed outside the service area. The next landed in the wrong one. Only occasionally did the ball go where it was supposed to, but by then, I had stopped trusting myself.

A number of questions were going through my mind (some were said out loud as well): What am I doing?  Why am I struggling with something so basic? What’s wrong with me?

Not surprisingly, the more conscious I became of getting it right, the worse I played. The problem was no longer the serve. As one of my friends put it, I had let failure get into my head. I was trying so hard not to fail that I was making failure more likely.

That moment reminded me of Mike, the central character in my novel, Mike in the Mountains. Before and during the trek, Mike is held back by the image he has of himself: someone who does not have what it takes to complete the trek. When the climb becomes difficult, he is fighting more than physical exhaustion. He is also fighting the voice in his head telling him that he is not capable.

Mike’s struggle and mine were different in scale, but they came from the same place: allowing a moment of difficulty to become a judgment about what we are capable of.

That is how self-doubt often grows. One escalation, one missed deadline, or one piece of difficult feedback can make us question our abilities that one setback has not erased.

The important thing is not to silence self-doubt completely, but to keep it from taking control. A few practices can help:

Separate the setback from your identity. Replace “I am not capable” with “This attempt did not go as planned.” A difficult moment is information, not a verdict.

Return to the next small action. Focus on the next serve, the next conversation, or the next step rather than replaying the entire failure. Small progress rebuilds trust in yourself.

Speak to yourself as you would to someone you respect. Acknowledge the disappointment, identify what you can learn, and give yourself permission to try again without demanding perfection.

Resilience is not the absence of self-doubt; it is the choice to move forward despite it.

Because sometimes the biggest mountain is not the one in front of us. It is the one we have built inside our heads.

The stories we tell ourselves

A few days ago, I was out for a post-dinner stroll in my apartment complex when I got a huge scare. I saw a snake! Or so I thought! It was actually a rubber pipe that looked eerily like a snake. The visual, combined with the recent rumours about a snake in the complex, made it easy for me to believe it was real.

As I continued my stroll (and my heartbeat returned to normal), I thought about my reaction to the perceived snake – and the fear it caused. The snake never existed; but the fear did.

Our minds do this often.

“They didn’t invite me to the party. They don’t like me.”

“He hasn’t called me back. He must be upset.”

“I failed once. I am not good enough.”

Our emotions are real, but the stories creating them may not always be.

What if these stories are incomplete? What if holding on to them too tightly is quietly damaging relationships, influencing decisions or limiting the way we see people?

A fresh perspective begins when we challenge our own narratives.

• What if there is another side to this?
• What if there is something I don’t know?
• What if the story I am telling myself is only one version of reality?

So, the next time you find yourself reacting strongly to a situation, pause and ask – What if this is a pipe that I am calling a snake?

Games People Play

Every weekend, my son Rishaan and I have a ritual – an hour of PlayStation battles. Football, cricket, Call of Duty, or even a chaotic round of Tekken – it’s our time to bond, laugh, and (sometimes) compete fiercely.

While we were playing this weekend, my mom joked that I was only spending time playing with him, instead of helping him with his studies. Although she said it playfully, her comment made me pause and reflect. I replied – I am teaching him life skills, which are just as important.

That conversation got me thinking — games, whether on the field or on a console, can be powerful teachers. Beyond the fun, they build habits and mindsets that matter in real life and at work. While the benefits are many, I am listing down a few, that work for children and adults alike.

Learning to lose: Games teach us humility. Everyone wants to win, but real growth comes from learning to handle loss — to feel the sting, reset, and try again. As parents, shielding children from losing may seem kind, but it denies them the chance to build resilience.

Fosters Teamwork: One of my earliest memories of multi-player PC gaming was a game called Counter-strike. Long before virtual teaming became a norm, it taught players how to collaborate virtually – across time zones, communication styles and personalities, to work towards a common objective. The same principles apply to modern workplaces: communication, adaptability, and trust.

Problem Solving: One of the key components of game design is to build in a smooth difficulty curve with a gradual increase. The gradual difficulty curve mirrors real life — challenges intensify, and so must our creativity, patience, and perseverance. When the ‘boss’ keeps defeating you, you learn to analyze, adapt, and persist — skills that matter far beyond the screen.

For me, the PlayStation (or Wii or XBox) isn’t just a console — it’s a classroom. Rishaan and I may be chasing goals on a screen, but what we’re really learning is how to lose gracefully, collaborate better, and keep trying. Having fun together is the bonus point.

From Stage to Workplace: Embracing Agility

Over the weekend, I caught up on some reading – fiction and non. The non-fiction was primarily articles about the current dynamic environment, that is influenced by technological advancements and shifting geopolitical landscapes, and how they will (in a way already are) change our jobs significantly, quickly. As I read about the skills that will be critical to navigate this environment, I was reminded of an experience from some years ago.

In 2015, I attended an 8-week long theatre workshop, which concluded with an opportunity for all participants to act in a play, the audience for which was our family and friends.

Midway through the 7-minute two-actor play, my co-actor forgot her line. I, who had committed to memory my lines basis verbal cues from my co-actor, was at a loss as well, unable to recollect what my line after the line that she had forgotten was. And so, we sat there quietly, staring at each other.

After a few long seconds of silence, I remembered a line that came much later in the play and said it. My co-actor picked up the cue and said her line, and we continued and concluded the play, aware that we had missed out some crucial lines, including the part where she slaps me for something I say (a scene we had painfully practiced many times!).

Later, when we caught up with our family and friends in the audience, they praised the play, and were surprised when I mentioned that we had skipped a part of the play.

As I reflected later about what had happened on stage, I realized it was our presence of mind and ability to adapt quickly to a situation, calmly that had helped us continue and conclude the play.

And these are the critical skills that we need to stay agile in today’s fast changing environment as well. While my co-actor and I had demonstrated these skills inadvertently, there is a need for us to consciously develop these for ourselves and our teams, to ensure that we are prepared for the future that is here!

The Coach’s Impact: Outcome vs. Technique

I recently started to learn to play Tennis. While I have played the sport before, I had never attended coaching classes for it.

One of the first things the coach taught me was how to hold the racket correctly. It seemed easy enough during the shadow practice, and then I started to play with the ball. Most of the times, the ball either hit the net or fell outside the court. On a few occasions when the ball fell in the right place, I got called out by my coach for holding the racket wrong.

I could either hold the racket right or hit the ball accurately. It was a battle between technique and outcome.

Success is often defined by the outcome; by what is visible, because it is easy to measure. What does not receive as much attention is the technique, especially when the outcome is desirable. Focusing on and mastering the technique enables us to build a stronger base, which ensures consistency of outcome.

This is where having a coach can help – a formal (assigned) coach or an informal one (family and friends). The coach can help you:

• Monitor both the technique and outcome and provide you with real-time feedback
• Set goals based on the feedback and monitor progress
• Stay motivated on the long and sometimes arduous journey of change.

So, as you look for that next skill that you want to build, identify a coach as well, who can help you on this exciting journey of growth.

Remove the webs

It was just another weekend, like so many before
With a list of things to do, lots of house chores.
I started with the first, which was to clear a cabinet.
Which had some old files & notepads in store.

As I started the task, I came across a notepad,
One of those with a colorful front cover.
It looked and felt familiar, like I had used it before,
I flipped the cover & smiled at what I had just discovered.

It was a book of poems, written a long time ago,
Each one penned down by me.
I read through the pages, and couldn’t help but feel,
That the poet was an entirely different version of me.

He had so much to share, about what he saw, how he felt,
Words and rhymes were just the mean.
The emotions all came directly from the heart,
The pen translating to words what he had felt and seen.

Somewhere along the way, I had lost touch with him,
getting busy with what life had in store for me.
The notepad landed in the cabinet, the pen gathered webs,
as the poet in me ceased to be!

At that moment from somewhere deep within,
I heard the poet’s voice inside me.
Asking me to remove the webs from the pen,
To once again write and share what I feel!

I invite you too, to look in your cabinet,
to find a piece of the old you!
To remove the webs from that which you loved
And merge the old with the new!

Bullseye

In my constant quest to try new things (#neverhaveiever), I visited a shooting gallery last weekend with a friend. We shot 25 pellets each, using different air guns (rifles), trying to hit a target – circles drawn on a thin piece of cardboard, kept some 30 feet away. It was an exhilarating experience – holding the gun, staying still while aiming, the loud THANG when we pressed the trigger and feeling the recoil caused by the gun.

Later, as I reflected on this exciting experience, I drew a few connections between it and life in general:

• Targets don’t remain the same: From the time I loaded the first pellet in the air gun, the target kept changing. For the first few shots I was trying to at least hit the sheet, then focused in on the outer circle. After gaining some confidence, I started targeting the black circle at the center and finally the very center of it – the bullseye. Starting with an easier & broader goal helps build momentum! However, it is important to not become complacent and continue to push yourself forward.
• Evaluate results: After every few shots, we pressed a button that brought the sheets close to us, so we could assess how we were doing. We then tried different guns and shooting techniques, which helped us get better!
• Margin of error: While it would have been ideal to always target and shoot the bullseye, it helped to have a defined margin of error – in this case the black circle; so, we didn’t feel miserable about every shot that did not hit the center. Occasionally, we all need the freedom to fail.
• And finally, the point that identifying the target is critical. Most often targets don’t come with a black circle, or a huge X-mark on them. It is critical to identify the right one for you, articulate it and if required, even document it. It helps with the evaluation process. And be on the lookout when the target may change into something entirely different. For us, it was a smaller sheet, with an even smaller black circle.

It is therefore imperative for us to take a moment to ask ourselves the following questions –

• What is my target here (bullseye)? What is the margin of error (the black circle)?
• How am I doing?
• What do I need to do differently to hit the bullseye?
• Has my target changed?

Not knowing the answer to these questions is akin to standing in a shooting lane with a gun in hand, and no target in sight.

PS: I have hung the target sheet on a softboard near my workstation, as a reminder of these lessons.

I can’t just do it!

In June 2007, my friends and I went for a vacation to Rishikesh. We made many amazing memories during this trip, but one that got etched deep in my mind was a half-day trek (my first!) that we went on, climbing 4 hours up a steep hill to spend the night in a camp at the summit.

Minutes into the trek, I realized that the trek was going to be an ‘uphill’ task for me because of my fitness level. I huffed and puffed my way up, considering more than once the alluring option of turning around. What kept me going were my friends! What also didn’t help were my friends!

Let me elaborate!

“You can do it!” – these words were said to me many times during the trek. It helped to hear them initially, but beyond a point, they exasperated me, because those words were not really helping. There is only that much motivation that saying, “You can do it!” can create.

When working with others on an arduous task (arduous for them, may not be for you!), it is important to understand what the other person needs – an encouraging word, a tip, a pat on the back, a push, or a combination of these, and providing it to them.

What I needed, and what worked for me, was my friends –

• Letting me take a break when I needed one, sometimes a long one
• Standing by me patiently, as I caught my breath
• Suggesting techniques that could help (regulated deep breathing, breath in through the nose, out from the mouth, one baby step at a time)
• And sometimes literally pulling me by the hand.

In the end, I still couldn’t do it! We, on the other hand, did!

Check in

Earlier this week, after I got off yet another Zoom call, Rishaan, my 10-year-old son, walked into the room and stood by my side. He looked at me, and asked, “Are you fine, Poppie?”

I looked back at him and responded with a “Yep!”, post which he hugged me, gave me his signature grin and walked out of the room. The de-stress package of his grin, hug and check in had worked, again!

In the virtual / hybrid world we operate in today, check ins are more important than ever. Asking ‘How are you?’ is a simple yet effective check in with not just colleagues, but also family members (especially children), and friends. What is vital is to wait for and listen to the response and take the conversation forward accordingly (A ‘doing great’ is great, but ‘doing okay’ may need more talk). In addition, like Rishaan, you may also want to focus on queues of distress from the body language of the other person when he/she responds.

As for someone who gets asked how you are, it helps to open up to those who you know genuinely care and share how you are truly feeling. An attentive ear is sometimes all you need!

Perspectives

I am currently reading the book ‘Palace of illusions’ by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, which is the telling of Mahabharata from a woman’s (Draupadi) perspective. It is interesting how the story feels so different when you change the vantage point from where you are viewing it. I can go so far to say, the truth changes, when you change the lens.

Earlier this weekend, I was out driving, and found myself at a crossroad, literally. Inching ahead towards the crossroad, I had already crossed the ‘Stop line’ when the traffic light turned red. There were cars ahead of me & behind me, so I decided to stay put and let the vehicles, that had already started flowing in from the other side, pass by.

Since I was in the path of the oncoming traffic, a few drivers glared at me as they drove past. I could only smile back, knowing very well that though I had done the right thing by not moving ahead after the light turned red, from their perspective the ‘truth’ was something else. And they were also right!

We often find ourselves at these crossroads (this time metamorphically). We experience everything that happens to us from our vantage point. How often do we stop to ponder about how the world looks from the others’? How often are we willing to accept that there could be more versions to the truth?

The truth is not one-dimensional, not even a coin with two sides, but a labyrinth of many, sometimes contradicting, views. Views that are based on not just what we see, but how we see it, when and even why.

Next time you find yourself in a situation where you think that the other person is wrong, think again! Could it just be a different right?

PS: This is all just my perspective.